I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is Oprah even human
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
