The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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