As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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