I hate all girls vehemently.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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