How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
