Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
