Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
