I looked at my own cervix.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
