just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My pussy is not your playground.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
