Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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