The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
