i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
