he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
