fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
is wine microwaveable?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
