I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
