Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
