You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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