Only a mothe r could love this liver
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
