is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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