I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
