My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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