I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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