I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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