yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
your room smells of hookers.
And success
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
