Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're a waste of cheezeits
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
