He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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