OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
