Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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