i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
