Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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