It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
