I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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