Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
4 words: hood of his car
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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