just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
