so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
