Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
