Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The Olympian is in my bed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
