i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
