im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
