she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
