I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
