I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
