anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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