went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
