he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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