I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
