"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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