There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
