Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
