Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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