I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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